1:30 and I can't seem to close my eyes

This last week has been a week of craziness. There has been so much change, so much worry, doubt, encouragement, challenges, breakthroughs, breakdowns -- you name it's been there. I have exactly one week until the Middle East trip and the Lord is working in my heart each and every moment in preparation of this trip. The preparation I talk about has nothing to do with packing, sight seeing, traveling expectations of fears -- it has everything to do with my character and how and what needs to be molded to be more like Christ. God has shown me corners of my heart I have never addressed and I thank him for those trials and tests. It's so tough but I'm humbled by the ways he is showing me the dirt in my life.

I have stepped out on a limb and chosen to stay at STN for another year after Christmas. I am so stoked to see my family for Christmas but leaving them for a year will be tough. I'm crazy with thinking I can hold the responsibility for next year on my shoulders and today has been a day of complete surrender of all doubt I have. As I study for some tests we have tomorrow, I seem to realize I'm studying exactly the way to pray about my struggles. For the enemy works in ways of doubt. Doubting God -- his word, his power, his calling on my life and that is exactly what my heart is wrestling. Wrestling my motives, my passions, desires, and humility. Though this week has crushed me - this day has brought the start of restoration for I have come to realize that passions, desires and talents God puts in my heart are there because he has made me to be fearfully and wonderfully made. For I know if I delight in him he will give me the desires of my heart, so no longer will I doubt rather I will trust. Trust his word, his power, and his calling on my life. So tonight I pray that I am captivated by that trust and live in the light of that promise.